October 2019
The average human life lasts 650,000 hours. How will you spend yours?
My sister and I recently returned to the Bay Area, where my parents lived for 20 years. Places, like objects, can trigger powerful feelings. Photo by Karen Budd.
Grappling with Grief and Possessions
A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece for The Washington Post on why we cling to objects that belonged to loved ones. The story was inspired by my father’s golf shoes, which he was wearing when he died, and which have sat in my closet for 14 years. Decluttering expert Marie Kondo says that if an object doesn’t bring you joy, get rid of it. But what if an object brings you pain? And what if pain is why you keep it?
As I’ve learned from the many comments on social media and the Post web site, everyone has a story about an object they’ve kept. A sweatshirt belonging to a deceased son. A handkerchief that carries a father’s scent. Some of the stories are so beautiful that I’ve compiled them on the 650,000 Hours web site.
Here are three points that weren't included in the Post piece, which I think are important:
Links to a loved one’s final moments carry a powerful, emotional weight. Kelli Kehler, the executive editor of DesignSponge.com, lost her father to cancer. When I interviewed her, Kehler said that she and her mother have gradually discarded many of her father’s possessions—which initially felt like “a betrayal”—but she will always keep his watch, which he wore in the casket until she abruptly removed it during the viewing. “It was one of the last things touching him,” she explained. Her mom will never part with the ice cream-stained shirt he wore when he died. “He sat up in bed after sleeping for days and demanded a Founders Favorite from Cold Stone Creamery,” said Kehler. “She will not get rid of that shirt.”
Discarding loved ones’ things often spurs a second round of loss. “Clients often tell me, when they say goodbye to someone’s stuff, they’re saying goodbye to that person all over again,” says Los Angeles decluttering expert Tracy McCubbin. When my mom died in 2015, my sister and I gave away most of her possessions, but I struggled with a stack of booklets from an electronics correspondence course that my father took when he was 20. That correspondence course made him: He never went to college yet rose to upper management in companies like Toshiba. We threw out the booklets. You can’t keep everything.
Finding new purpose for old items can be therapeutic. McCubbin mentions an L.A. client whose late husband left behind a garage full of VHS tapes: Old westerns and TV shows that he’d recorded and would watch with his grandkids. “Somebody’s going to want these,” his wife said, but McCubbin, predictably, could find no takers. Eventually the family found an alternative. They donated money to the UCLA film department, which restored a silent movie in his honor.
Thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. I suggest you read this Huffington Post piece by one of my interviewees, grief therapist Claire Bidwell Smith, about why she kept her late mother’s bowls—and the anguish she felt when one of them broke. I also had an enlightening conversation with author, psychotherapist, and grief advocate Megan Devine, who made a great point. It's not whether an object brings you joy, but whether it's important. —Ken Budd
See The World
On a recent South American cruise with One Ocean, we rode zodiacs to see glaciers up close.
Thinking about a cruise in 2020? I talked with cruise experts for their top recommendations in this piece for AARP.
Shutting off your phone can make travel more pleasurable, a recent study found (Jessica Baron, Forbes). Plus: How one family disconnected from their devices on a recent trip, by my friend Christina Ianzito for The Washington Post.
Plus: The 25 best U.S. cities for outdoor adventures (Matthew Meltzer, Matador Network), why “transformational travel” is hot (Katie Warren, Business Insider), and how to find joy when you travel (and even when you stay home—Elise Hu, NPR).
Live Your Best Life
San Diego seems like a good spot for a mini-retirement. Or a long one.
Wish I’d thought of this: Instead of taking one big retirement at the end of your life, some millennials are taking a series of mini-retirements (Hillary Hoffower, Business Insider).
Want to stick with good habits (like exercising)? Combine it with something you love. That’s one of multiple tactics offered by L. Carol Ritchie in this piece for NPR.
Plus: How a sense of awe and purpose can boost your mental health (Diana Smith, Thrive Global), ways to reemphasize book-reading in your life (Marianne Eloise, The Guardian), and author Kayt Sukel shares four ways to be a better risk taker (from the 650,000 Hours vault).
Meet Amazing People
At age 16, Julia Warren started Celebrate RVA to celebrate the birthdays of underprivileged kids in Richmond, Virginia. I profiled Warren for my “Everyday Heroes” column in The Saturday Evening Post (and took the photos, below, at one of Warren's boisterous parties).
Carl Allamby was a car mechanic who graduated from med school at age 47. Here’s the amazing story of how he traded carburetors for emergency medicine (Michael K. McIntyre, The Plain Dealer).
Plus: Jon Potter of Pittsburgh is so generous that he recently gave a kidney to a stranger (Allison Klein, The Washington Post); 92-year-old Jim Roberts of Napa stays young building playgrounds (73 and counting—Steve Rubenstein, San Francisco Chronicle); and Snow White made news by comforting a boy with autism at Disney World (Caitlin O’Kane, CBS News). Yes, Snow White.
Photo of the Month
The sea lions in La Jolla, California have figured out life: Eat, sleep, make a lot of noise, enjoy the waves.